Against all “logic,”
I’ve made some wild decisions in my life. 
Some pretty gutsy decisions in my life. 
Some decisions where I paved my own path. 
And some where I could hear my “logic” say,
“What the f*ck are you doing Christina?” 
But I have never hesitated on making a decision,
That I knew in my bone marrow, was right for ME.

Those were the best decisions I have ever made,
And ALWAYS the scariest. 
So scary that at times I trembled making them.
Disassociated from my body,
Because the new choice was a rebellion against old patterns.
I’m not saying this is easy.

I think regret comes,
From the inability to listen to our soul. 
As James Hillman would say,
Our Daemon.
And the inability to listen,
Comes from the fear of seeing ourselves,
Beyond our masks,
That hide our unresolved trauma.
At least, that’s what it was for me. 

Have you ever felt that,
Mild, 
Suffocating feeling,
Of not knowing what’s wrong, 
But you know something is, not right?
I have.
I used to feel that, a lot.

That feeling,
Was my soul fighting the ambivalent imprint,
Of what I was told to be.
Expectations.
That I had.
My family had. 
My culture had.
Society had,
For me. 
That I fully subscribed to. 
No blame,
Full responsibility, 
My choice to subscribe, to, it. 

It took a while.
To recalibrate. 
Eight years to be exact.
To funnel my decisions,
Through my soul.
And now, 
If it’s not a “F*ck yes,” it’s a “No.”

*** Real life disclaimer ***
Yes, there are things,
Sometimes that you have to do.
Because of circumstances, obligations, and survival.
This is about the other times.
This is about the times you have choice,
But you don’t choose what your soul wants.  

And the only way to know for me,
Is to listen to the logic of my soul.
And that may be the most courageous thing,
I have ever done,
You will ever do.
And the most terrifying thing,
I certainly have ever done.

Listen.
Choose.
You deserve the peace that comes with choosing.