My friend sent me a voice message.
Five seconds long. 
“How are you not afraid to do anything?”

It struck me. 
The way people see us,
Is oftentimes not how we see ourselves. 
It struck me, because,
I am afraid.
Sometimes I’m terrified. 

Many will say,
“Lean into fear.”
“Don’t let fear control you…”

*** I’m going to throw in a disclaimer here, 
Because feeling fear is ok.  It’s healthy. ***

The statements, are also valid.
Intellectually, we get it. 
We know, we shouldn’t let fear control us. 
Yet, we do.

Why? Why do we let fear control us?

“We want to feel safe.”
Yeah, we do, but I’m not convinced that this is fully it. 

When my doctor told me I had six months to live,
I felt the timeclock. 
And I stood there. 
Confronted by own bullshit. 
My excuses. 
I felt regret. 

Have you ever felt regret?
Deep.
Desperate.
Sense of loss.
A loss, that your own choices are responsible for.
And there is nothing, you can do about it.

That feeling. 

I understood when I was confronted with my mortality, 
That excuses ultimately delayed regret.
But the feeling of regret is inevitable, 
If you have excuses.
And the feeling of fear is natural,
But the feeling of regret is manifested by,
Our choices. 
Our excuses.   

It’s not that, I’m not afraid to do anything.   
It’s that, I don’t ever want to feel that feeling again. 

Regret.